A Thousand Splendid Suns
by Bazylia de Grean
Summary: When Tahl is captured by Balog, she has a lot of time to think... And she thinks about Qui-Gon. Tahl POV.
1. A Thousand Splendid Suns

For Luth, the only person who can make me get down to my writing seriously,

and Kaja, who asked for a fanfic about Tahl and Qui-Gon, and a scene with a kiss in particular.

Used some quotes from Jedi Apprentice part 15 (those belong to Jude Watson), although I tried to use them as little as possible. Tahl and Qui-Gon are of course not mine. I only borrowed them for this little non-profit fiction.

The title is in fact taken after the title of a book by Khaled Hosseini, and – according to the author's note – the title comes from a 17th century poem. I just liked the sound of it.Plus, as I imagine Tahl a woman similar in many ways to Chani (check 'Dune' and 'Children of Dune' films or Barbora Kodetova) and made her somewhat half-Fremen, the sun fitted perfectly.

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**A Thousand Splendid Suns**

--

There is darkness, limit, silence. I feel my body wants mores pace. I don't hear anything. It's dark – not that it matters, I can't see anyway, but I know there's complete darkness around me, I can feel it. No life around me, and the only movement is air, but it's so slow, so slow I can barely feel it moving…

But they cannot bind my spirit. I have time to think. That's the one thing I have really plenty of here – time. I have time to think and, for the first time of my life, this makes me afraid. I don't want to think, I don't want to guess the future, which very probably would bring my death, nor to discover what is going on on New Apsolon. I don't want to think who the traitor might be, aside from Balog. I don't want to wonder what the truth is, I don't want to think about all the things they want me to. For they want to break my spirit. One thing I have learned, back home – when the wind blows, bend and float and it will not break you.

And that's what I'm going to do. I will float. On my memories… Back in them I can see. Even now, I can still see the light when I let my thoughts drift away gently… The light of my happy memories. My thousand splendid suns.


	2. Three

_Three_

--

I open my eyes and look into the rising sun. It's not so blinding yet, so I can look. Today is the day. Today I'm three years old.

I go on a walk, alone, my parents know I'll be safe even if I leave the mountains and reach the desert, and they know I'll find the way back. I always do. The sun tells me which way to go.

When I return, my father finds my in our little garden. He watches my eyes, their green matching grass, plants and trees and the gold matching sun reflexes in the leaves, and thoughts that in a few more years my eyes would be all gold because of the sun. It burns all the colour away, my mother always says.

Father seats me on his lap and tells me today is a special day for me, for I turned three. It's a special moment in a child's life on Noori, at least outside the city, among mountains and deserts. At three you've seen a thousand suns. Around three hundred thirty three days a years, plus about a month of rain altogether, and of course you don't see the sun on rainy days. So now I'm A Thousand Suns. My father calls me that name, and tells me I am the most important today. I am his little princess.

Mother comes out of our house, laughing and calling me a warrior rather than a princess. Then she takes me in her arms and lifts me up, and calls me A Thousand Suns, her most perfect Suns.

I recall all this when I use a mnemotechnique. What I remember is I was happy. I was truly happy. I was loved, I was in my place in the world, the perfect place. And I had my two suns, the brightest in my life except for only one more, equally bright. I was at home.

Later, in the afternoon, the stranger who came to our sietch yesterday tells my parents that the Force is strong in me and I can be a Jedi. And my parents are proud, so proud. And happy, although I can see my mother wiping away a tear. But mother tells me it's a good life, difficult, but good. And my father calls me A Thousand Splendid Suns, their Thousand Splendid Suns. And I feel splendid. I feel happy. I don't know yet it will require me to leave my home, my parents, and all I love, so I am happy, because my parents' eyes are bright with love and pride.

--

I remember how it was, that happy, spring day so many years ago, I remember all the love, and I no longer feel the darkness around me.


	3. Eight

_Eight_

--

I shake the water off myself.

'Friends, forever!', I call to him. 'Deal?'

Qui-Gon's answer is calm, as calm as he is himself, but it's firm.

'Deal.'

We're swimming in the lake in the Temple, me and Qui-Gon. I don't know him very well yet, but I can sense his presence in the Force already and I feel it's warm and good. And we've just agreed we're be friends, forever. He's ambitious, talented, and bright, and I'd rather have him a friend than a rival.

He's quiet, but full of energy, and I know he feels the same energy in me. And it's good he doesn't talk much, for I can effortlessly talk for both of us. My parents used to laugh at me because of that.

I dive, and then spring up out of water, droplets flying around, shining like hundreds of little suns. I know gold on my iris matches the tiny lights, and the green matches the grass perfectly.

Qui-Gon is sitting on the grass, watching me. I laugh to him. I feel good, as I haven't in a long, long time. He smiles in response.

'You have extraordinary eyes', he says. 'These gold stripes look like a hundred tiny suns in this light, you know?'

It's not a compliment, it's just a remark. I smile at him, and inside me something stirrs. My parents used to tell me the same thing.

Suddenly, after five long years in the Temple, with this boy I barely know at all, I feel at home again.

--

Friends forever. Looking at the flash of memories, my spirits rise. Qui-Gon is somewhere out there. He'll come for me, I know it. He'll come. Even if he would be late to save me, at least I'll have him by my side once again. But he will save me, I know. He always did.


	4. Seventeen

_Seventeen_

--

We're visiting my home planet on the way back from our last mission, one of our rare assignements together, this time with only Qui-Gon's Master, Yan Dooku, as a supervisor.

Qui-Gon didn't say a word he'd like to visit his own home, he let me visit mine. Sometimes I think he's too good a friend for me, he always steps back when the choice is between his and mine. I promised him next time it'd be his home, Force knows he deserves it.

My parents were so happy to see me again, after so many… how long has it been since I was home last time, four years? Yes, about four years. That's too long, far too long. At first it was a bit awkward, well, we don't keep in touch regularly, but after one day I was settled in and back at home, and at ease with my parents. I feel I'm still their child, and they feel the same, and I know I'll always be of their kin, and never a stranger here. Never. It feels so good.

I do wonder what Qui-Gon thinks. He's all smiles and kindness, and my parents are very fond of him, and I feel he likes them, but there's something on his mind. I know he misses his home. I know he did this for me, and I'm grateful, but that won't make him feel much better, no matter how hard he'd try to hide it. I always know his mood.

I met with my friends today in the morning, I haven't seen them for some time, too. They asked if Qui-Gon was my boyfriend – note I'm a Jedi and they know it! – and when I said that of course he's _not_, they laughed, as if they knew better. And of course they chattered about their boyfriends a lot, and they tried to explain to me what kissing is like – I have to admit I'm curious. They say it's like a honey chocolate, only better.

As I sit on the terrace, basking in the warm evening sun and laughing at our talk, Qui-Gon comes. He stares as me as I laugh, I really can't help laughing out loud when I think what Master Yan's reaction would be had he heard my talk with my friends.

'What's so funny?', Qui-Gon asks, sitting down next to me.

'Oh, just some gossip', I say, not knowing if I want to explain it all to him. I'm in a good mood today, ready to laugh merrily at everything. I can feel he's not quite in a likely mood, but he's trying to seems so.

'Come on, Tahl, do tell. I'd like to hear something funny', he beckons, with this little mischievious spark in his eyes.

'Nothing interesting, really. Girls tried to explain kissing to me' I tell him, hoping he'd give the matter up. My mistake, he never gives up.

'And? Learned something?', he laughs at me quietly.

'Very funny. Well, they claim it's like chocolates, only better', I explain reluctantly, suddenly feeling a strange urge to giggle.

He laughs again.

'Always learning new things, like a true Jedi.'

'Oh, shut up, Jinn!', I scorn him in mock anger.

'As you wish', he falls silent, but that mischievious look is still in his eyes, and I know he's in a mood for jokes now. Finally.

We sit in silence, but I can't endure more than five minutes.

'Qui-Gon, come on…'

He shakes his head in a 'no'.

'Qui-Gon Jinn!...'

He's still silent, only now he's smiling. And I can clearly see he knows he's annoying me and it's incredible fun. Suddenly an idea pops into my mind.

'I have an idea… But I'll tell you only after you speak to me again', I state.

'I'm all ears', he says, and I have to suppress a burst of laughter as my imagination goes over this phrase in literal-understanding mode.

'Well… since we're Jedi… and shall learn new things on every opportunity…', I begin, and then stagger, not knowing how to put it into words in the best way.

'I can see where that's going… So you suggest we try it?', he eyes me with an amused smile, clearly in a good mood now.

'Why not? It's always an experience', I note innocently.

'Deal.'

'Deal.'

He leans towards me and I turn my face upright, we both glancing sideways, and I'm sure I'll blush any moment, because it was a brilliant idea a minute ago, but now it's riddiculous. Finally our lips meet in a short kiss.

… That's all? Well, I can't see what's all the fuss about.

'I'd rather choose the chocolates', I announce seriously.

'Me too', Qui-Gon agrees.

Then we both burst into laughter. Sometimes we have really crazy ideas…

--

I can recall that moment clearly. I can bring back the warmth of the evening sun on my face, the cooling gentle wind, distant voices from the village somewhere in the background. What I can't recall is the feeling of his lips on mine.

I wonder what it would be like to kiss him now, now, when so much changed between us… I wonder how would his lips taste… Then it dawns on me they'd probably taste of tears. I know he would weep had he knew what I know and came to terms with already – that I won't make it. I've been among the Absolutes for a time long enough to know that after such a long time in… in _this_, after such a time I won't recover. I only hope I could meet him before… before it's over. I could feel his gaze on me. I silently wish I could kiss him once more. I know his lips would taste of tears, but I know they'd be sweeter than any chocolate, than anything, because both his lips and tears would taste of love.


	5. Twenty and Three

_Twenty and Three_

--

We've just finished a training session. I lost. I hate it when I don't win. But what makes me feel better is knowing it was just a fracture of second of distraction. He's got a strategy, but I am faster, and overall I'm as good as him, I know it. We're still friends, but sometimes we can't help a bit of rivalry.

'You can't lose', Qui-Gon observes, wiping his face with a towel.

'I can't', I confirm. 'And, mind, I usually never lose. But at least I'm as good as you. That's comforting.'

'I'll take it as a compliment', he offers a small smile. 'But you're better than me, Tahl.'

'Since ask?', I say, collapsing onto the floor. I'm so tired I have to sit down for a while.

'You know more', Qui-Gon says straight-forwardly. He's so very objective sometimes...

'You wanted to say I spend all my free time digging in the Archives?', I ask, finally smiling. I can't be angry that I lost when he behaves and smiles at me like that, I just can't. Oh, and that look, too. He knows it'll make me smile, and it does. This look in his eyes is like the sun – both always make me smile.

'That too', he says, with an undertone of laughter. 'Someday you'll become a librarian in the Archives, you'll see.'

'Yeah, and you forgot to add 'beware' at the end, Qui-Gon.'

He smiles.

'That's what I have you for, to remember such things for me.'

'Qui-Gon Jinn, you're just… Ouh, I have no words!'

'Praised be the Force! Finally a minute of silence.'

'Jinn! Don't you dare…'

He winks at me.

'Or this time you'll make me lose the duel, won't you?'

'My point exactly. I don't lose, remember. And I never give up.'

'I know.'

--

I don't lose. And I never give up. No, I will make it. A few more hours, days, however long I'll have to… I want to meet you again, Qui-Gon. I want to say farewell to you. I will say farewell to you. After that, I can go. But until then, I will hold on.

I feel someone's calling me through the Force. I know it's Qui-Gon. I try to answer and, although it's more difficult to reach the Force now, I try to send to him something I maybe never would be able to give him – a kiss. Even thought he'd probably only feel it as a light breath on his cheek.

My lips form a little weary smile.

I am here, Qui-Gon, and I will wait for you… You know I never give up, don't you?...


	6. Fifty

_Fifty_

--

I find him in the star map room. He likes to come here; so do I. We almost have another argument, we have plenty of them lately… But this time he apologizes. It surprises me. He doesn't back away easily. Except for… yes… I almost forgot. Except for when it's about our friendship.

I tell him I wasn't expecting an apology.

'Well, there are things I could say…', he begins , but I interrupt. I don't want another quarrel.

'I know that. How about we just be quiet, for once? We can't get into trouble that way.'

He nods, in silence.

We sit together. We're not touching, but I can feel his warmth. It's oddly comforting. And, once again, he makes me feel at home. We sit like that for long, long minutes.

'Which one?', I ask quietly, knowing Qui-Gon will understand what I mean. He knows even though I can't see the star map, I can use my memory and see it in my mind.

'Noori is passing you right now', he answers. I smile. Noori, my home planet.

I use the Force to recall the view of all planets, moons, suns and other stars which I know are whirling around us in a majestic waltz, and admire the beauty. I know Qui-Gon watches and feels the same as I do. A moment of perfection.

I wish we could stay like that for… I don't know for how long, maybe for ever? I don't want this moment to end, I know we'll soon have another argument, he just seems not to be able to leave me on my own even for a while since I've lost my sight. I know he cares for me, but I'm an independent spirit, and not to be looked after. He knows it, but he still interferes.

No, no, I don't want to think about it now, I don't want to spoil this moment. I sit closer to Qui-Gon, my knees still up to my chin, and rest my head on his shoulder. He doesn't move at first, but after a long while he puts his arm around me. We've sat like this countless times before, when we were younger. We don't have much time now. I wish we had more time…

I let myself drift away. It feels so warm and good beside him… It feels a right place to be. A peaceful place.

--

I feel Qui-Gon's presence even before I can hear his voice. He did came. He did came…

When he takes me in his arm I can feel how much pain it gives him to see me so weak. He says they'll get me out of here, there's such a hope in his voice, such calmness, as he's trying to reassure me, or maybe both of us. I know I won't make it.

Then I do it. I know I will hurt him, but we've always told the truth to each other.

'It's too late for me, dear friend…', I say softly as I smile at him. I smile serenely. I am at peace. He found me, he's beside me…

He doesn't want to leave me behind. He want so badly to believe I'll make it…

I promise him I will try. For him. I would do anything for him. Just as he's doing all he can for me.

As he carries me, I let myself get lost in the peacefulness of being in his arms. Where my place is.


	7. and One

… _and One_

--

I feel a wave of relief as I sense Qui-Gon entering the recovery room. Even though I know I won't recover. I only wished to say farewell. Now I have my chance, and it may be my last.

He kneels beside my bed and takes my hand. I don't have enough strength to answer his touch. I have to tell him…

He bends down his head as he listen to me. He doesn't want to understand, he doesn't want so desperately... He tries to give his strength to me, his strength, his warmth, his energy… He would breathe for me if he only could, I can feel that too. Wherever I am headed I will miss him for all long years before he joins me, but as he attunes his every thought and feeling to mine I find myself at peace. I feel his love for me, around me, inside me… It's so peaceful when my Qui-Gon is beside me, when I can feel his forehead against mine…

My fingers press his gently, as I let out a small sigh. His love is so warm, bright, comforting… I feel at home, he is my home… A perfect moment, the most perfect…

'Let my last moment be this one', I whisper to him, drawing in a breath and knowing it's my last one. Before it goes out, Force already half-reaching for me, through the Force I can see his eyes for the last time, the eyes I love so much, like two most splendid and perfect suns I've ever seen, and their light is the last thing I see and feel as I let my breath out.


End file.
